Sometimes people who have just lost a loved one – a parent, a spouse, a close friend – come to me hoping I can stop the pain they are feeling. Unfortunately, acute mourning doesn’t work that way. Pain is part of the process. And… talking to a trained counsellor IS a great idea.
Right after a death, most people need a safe place to feel their feelings without being judged. Grief is a process that brings up lots of feelings, not only sadness. For example, some people experience a huge amount of anger, which may come from a sense of having been abandoned by the person who is gone. People going through grief may be shocked by how intense their feelings can be.
The most common initial reactions to a loss are shock, denial and numbness. It may take a while to fully believe in the loss, and this is actually a defense mechanism. A sudden loss especially may be too much to comprehend all at once.
Next many people experience various forms of pining and yearning. We long for the loved one to return. Some people will dream about the loved one at this stage, or even imagine catching a glimpse of them. Tears may come daily – or hourly. We may also feel anger, anxiety, or just plain overwhelmed. This is a painful and confusing stage, but is totally necessary to the grieving process.
After this, many people want to withdraw for a while. They may not enjoy things they did before, and in fact may be apathetic. This is where depression can take hold, but a brief depression in this situation is a normal reaction.
Eventually the person grieving moves into a form of acceptance – a new normal. They will begin to notice the rest of the world again, and may be able to resume many of their activities. Life will never be the same and sadness will continue to be a regular visitor for quite a while, but now the person left behind can enjoy positive memories of the deceased without being overwhelmed.
Mourning a loss takes work, and it is good to get help to make this journey in as healthy a way as possible. Let me help you face your new reality and to find meaning, so that you recover more fully and live well in the years to come.
